CPR.. I Don't Think So...

Ass-Hole...

New Glasses? ...

Thank You Mr. Bossman...

Sharing Is Caring ... Bitches

Kicking Puppies .. One At A Time

Went To A Baby Shower And Won Some Shit.... Literally

For those of you that have never been lucky enough to have gone to a baby shower... FUCK YOU.. I mean.. ohhh that's so sad :( :(

For those of you that have, well I know your feeling my pain. As baby showers go this was a really nice one, there were a lot of friends, family, laughs, and good food. The mother to be who is a wonderful woman and just so happens to look awesome and glowing while pregnant... (::cough, cough:: Bitch) was excited and happy, things were going great...

And then the games started..FUCK ME.. now I don't know who came up with this game but who ever it is, is seriously fucked up.  It's called .. Guess The Poop.. yes you heard me right..GUESS THE MOTHER FUCKING POOP!

 

 Basically what they do is take 4 diapers and fill each one with a different chocolate candy bar, they then take these diapers and heat them up in the microwave making the "poop" all gooey and realistic.  Now to make matters worse we all know what happens when you over heat chocolate... yep.. it burns, giving out that lovely scorched sweet smell... mmmm... NOT!

So now here we all are, 20 grown women sitting in a circle, passing around the warm squishy diapers filled with "shit".  One by one we each open it slowly like a time bomb is going to go off, knowing that as soon as we see whats inside we will have instant horrible flashbacks to the last baby we had changed (trauma like that just doesn't go away).  Leaning in close we deeply inhale the god awful aroma of burnt chocolate debating as to which of our favorite treats has just been horribly stricken from our menu (god help me I think someone even tasted it)..  Needless to say I know my chocolate and Mr. Goodbar is no longer my friend, and no i was not the one who tasted it.. I know that is what you were thinking and well shame on you... I would never do that shit in public..lol..

I Will Never Look At A Mr. Goodbar The Same Again....

 

I have to wonder if a gift card to the grocery store was really worth what I had just been a part of and I've come to the conclusion that... FUCK YA that shit is expensive! 

 ~J

PS. "D" seriously congratulations :)

Who Put Sand In Your Pussy This Morning?

I'm A Fucking Lady...

My little cousin became a lady today.. and so the fun begins:

"M" - Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"C" - It will be fine, it's normal

"M" - Gross, but this will be over tomorrow right?

"C" - Uhh.. not so much .. it will take a few days

"M" -  (with narrowed eyes) What do you mean a few days?

"C" -  Like 5 - 8 days

"M" - Ya I'm not going to do this anymore

"C" - LOL what do you mean

"M" - I'm over it, I'm not doing this

"C" - OK, Good luck with that..

~J

Because that's the way I roll...

Me: So did you want to try and get dinner next door tonight? (It's all you can eat fish for $10 and the only kind of meat my vegetarian boyfriend [hearby forever called 'VBF'] will eat)
VBF: Eh...I don't know...I don't think it's going to be very Aiden friendly...
Me: Well, Aiden is very friendly.
VBF: I mean because it's basically a bar. Drinking, smoking...
Me: Uhh..we just spent almost 2 weeks with my parents. I think we'll be ok....
VBF: o.O

~S

This better fucking work

lol

Cancer Awareness KKM Style

Who You Callin' A Pussy??

Why You NEVER Give Away Your Blow-Fish

As many of you know "S" and I are big fans of Jenny Lawson aka. The Bloggess, and on May 4th we decided to go into Miami to her book signing.  For months we had been planning this trip and we were crazy excited.. In fact we even went out and bought her a real blow-fish and a coconut monkey (don't worry it was dead, we all know she doesn't collect live animals because that would just be silly).. "S" decided that a blow-fish this fucking awesome must have a name and so Marcel was born...

Marcel "The Bastard" - Lucky Blow-Fish

....we have since decided Marcel was a lucky blow-fish...  

Everything was running smoothly, I went to Tin City got Marcel the Blow-fish and Martha the Coconut Monkey... Made it home just in time for "S" to show up, picked the Boy Child up from school and headed out, we even had enough time to stop for Starbucks.. because lets face it, every road trip needs a Mocha Frapaccino. When we got to the toll on I-75 we were told the person before us had paid our way... how fucking awesome is that.. 

"Take My Fucking Money!"

"J" - hold's out 2.50 in change

Tollman - It's paid

"J" - But I have 2.50..

Tollman - I dont want your 2.50

"J" - But... I counted it..

Tollman - Keep the fucking 2.50 (he didn't actually say this but i know he was thinking it) 

"S" - Just drive its free

"J" - You know its only free because he was looking at my breasts..

"S" - Well they are awesome breasts (In a totally non-gay way)

"J" - Of course they are .. and they demanded a free ride (that just sounded wrong but who cares)


So you know... its a fact that everything I gain for free in life is from my breasts

Anyway, we made it there early with very little traffic and no incident. We found a good parking spot as there was public parking directly across from the bookstore. The Boy Child was quiet and well behaved, and we even got front row seats!

Just for you guys

The Bloggess shows up and she is fucking hilarious, wine was had and friends were made.  We handed out stickers to KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER, met with Jenny, gave our gifts, and got the books signed.  At this point i would like to point out that The Bloggess loved the gifts, and even said she was gonna put Marcel on her Christmas tree .. how cool is that!  Now that it's time to leave we say our good-byes, get our Fandom in check, and pile in the car.....  Everything sounds perfect doesn't it... well never underestimate Marcel because he is a fucking bastard..  

  "S", The Bloggess, & Marcel the Fucker

              

See now that Marcel is no longer in our possession everything goes downhill  ... When we leave the garage the GPS freezes and no longer knows where the fuck we are (probably because I made "S" change it to the sexy Australian voice, and he wasnt having any of it) .. He continues to repeat the same backwards directions over and over (you know because he is Australian) until we are ready to throw it out the window.. but of course we cant do that because it has "S" address in it (and we all know the first thing some thug would do is drive 3 hours to her house and rape her) and since we don't speak Spanish we cant stop to ask directions so we could get the fuck out of there alive... So here that Aussie asshole is telling me to turn left when I know we need to go right....we drive up and down the same street because at least you cant get lost doing that and I figure eventually we will figure out what to do. 

 "S" desperately  tries to use the GPS on her phone but she continues to lose service on it.. so we figure were kinda fucked and might have to sell the Boy Child for safe passage home... after all I would be the only fucking Mexican in Miami that doesn't speak Spanish.  Totally freaked out now I Hook a Uie (yes that is totally how you spell U-Turn) for what feels like the millionth time because I know that if we at least get back to the bookstore we can backtrack our directions from map quest... Amazingly the GPS takes this time to decide to work again (or maybe it was because we made him British again).  Of course now the fun is just beginning...

Now that we are back on our white knuckled way... we grab some McDonald's and head out.. I think it is important to note that when you get lost, almost get side swiped twice, and are in a strange city, that you must reward yourself for not dying with carbs.  

"Mmmmmmm Carbs..."

Once we are back on the road I move into the lane to make our next turn onto 8th like the GPS says and the light turns red before I can complete it... Why you ask? Because that is how I roll... So now I'm in the middle of the road... but were in Miami so the other cars wont let me finish.. instead they are honking.. so I back up a little and figure I'm OK.. until the cars in the straight lane start to move and I'm still to far out .. so what do they do.. they come right up to me and blast the horn even more.. like I have someplace i can magically go... the car behind me feels bad for me and backs up a bit while laughing their asses off I might add and finally we are out of the way... only now when I look up the arrow is green, and people are again waiting for me to go..  soooo I let up on the break and realize I'm still in REVERSE.. WTF!!  I quickly get in drive, hang my head in embarrassment and frustration and just want to get the hell out of town.....  It cant get any worse right? 

So here we are driving down 8th.. when the GPS says sarcastically in his British accent.. "Continue straight for another 58 miles"...WHAT THE HOLY HELL! Now we know something is wrong and I realize Mother Fucker we are on old Allegator Alley .. by the time we figured out we are not gonna hit the interstate it is already a 2 lane highway, we cant turn around because of construction and quite frankly we don't know if we would even make it out of Miami if we did that due to the GPS hating us... its then we realize the significance of giving Marcel away... stuck taking the long ass way home with and extra hour added to our trip.. not to mention we had come to the realization  that the chances of us hitting an alligator, python, bear, or panther has now just increased by tenfold.  And that is when the nervous laughter begins, because well no one can drive through tears.. 

"S" - I can't believe you almost killed us

"J" -  Well I did buy you McDonald's for almost killing you (sheepish smile) 

"S" - Ya but you bought the McDonald's BEFORE you almost killed us so it kind of looses the sentiment

"J" - Details.....

Oh and did I mention we seemed to be constantly surrounded by water and I hate driving over bridges because I just know I will pop a tire and run off the road and drown because though I always mean to get one of those glass piercing tools I never actually do so now I would be in the water unable to get the door open and shit out of luck because I couldn't break the glass... I will not even go into the scenario where I am able to get out but I am eaten by alligators...lol
                                    

Martha & Jenny Lawson

"To My Little Motherfuckers..."

I honestly don't Know if she is excited or thinking

 "WTF have these freaks brought me now..."

~J

Conversation with my son today

Boy Child: Look Mommy! You should get me that coochie!
Me: Wuh....

Boy Child: That coochie!! So I can put my water bottle in it!

Me: O.o  
Boy Child: I sure do wish I had a coochie for my water bottle.
Me: ........  Oooo!! You mean 'koozie'!!  
Boy Child: Yeah, KOOZIE. I need a koozie for my water bottle.

~S

ABOUT ME ~ J

"J"

I would like to think I am an easy going person who gets along with everyone but lets face it we all know that would be a fucking lie... I cant even type it with a straight face...LOL. So here are the basics: I go by the handle "J", mostly so when i piss someone off they cant find me and kill me in my sleep.. because if it could happen it would happen to me. I am a 35 year old divorced woman, i have no children and no cats. I run multiple somewhat stressful businesses so the internet is where I run to let go an be myself. I consider myself a cafeteria Catholic who hates when people preach religion to others.. not to mention I'm pretty sure I'm going to burn for all the blasphemous jokes i post.. oh well.. I am very opinionated, but please don't try to follow my logic.. you will only hurt yourself. I have a terribly dark and fucked up sense of humor, I curse like a sailor, and I'm very equal opportunity when it comes to stereotypical jokes.. I am sure I will at some point offend your sex, race, religion, political affiliations, and maybe even you so please don't act surprised when it happens.. now given all of that I would like to add that i am Pro-Gay Rights and Anti-Hate.. I believe there is a difference between being able to laugh at ourselves and looking our noses down at others... oh and BTW i cant spell for shit so if spell check doesn't catch it.. your just going to have to get over it.

~J